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| I wrote a new song today. FINALLY, it took over a month to put it together so this one should be good.
Early this morning I woke up, but I hadn't woken up because I was still trapped in my nightmare. I was dreaming that my bed had dozens of arms, constraining me and choking me, whispering my name and trying to suck me into the bed, laughing at how easy it was for me to be overtaken. I cried out for Jesus, cried out for Laicia to come save me, "MY DOOR'S NOT LOCKED! HELP!!! ... Jesus, save me, I know You can hear me!" The arms laughed and grabbed harder, but whenever I cried out to God they loosened, but tightened back up again. I could hear myself screaming, but when you scream in your dreams not everyone can hear you. Finally, I was freed and I woke up, racing towards Laicia's room to grab a hug and be comforted.
But she wasn't there. I was in a room full of dresses, picking one out for a prom I was supposed to attend. Marley walked around her large closet with me, and helped me pick one out. THEN I woke up. Shit.
I felt like I hadn't slept, and I was very hungover. I don't usually say it on here, online for the world to see, but it's no use pretending that I don't drink. The night before was a club social and all of my friends dressed in pajamas to go to a club downtown. It was fun, but I could've done with a little less self-indulgence for one night.
This is the time of night again. tick tock tick tock, when will we get to bed tonight? My brain is a circus of thoughts, and I'm devastated because I LOST my usb stick. There's a lot of work on there that'll be gone if I don't find it. The sad story of a writer; this is why I need an external hard drive, so I don't kill myself over another 2-inch hunk of precious metal that could be fucking anywhere.
Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel fantastic, like I'm the sexiest woman alive. But sometimes I slouch when I sit and look down at my belly, grab it with both fists and wish I could rip it off, hating myself for loving sweets and carbs. If I could live on celery, I would... but I love spaghetti and ice cream too much.
I'm a silly monkey with silly things on my brain... not gonna be easy. | | |
| I went out with my friends tonight. We went shopping, ate junk food, and saw Harry Potter. Logically, I should've had a good time. I did have a good time. But not as good of a time as I could've had.
This week:
1. big week at axo
2. Thanksgiving
Yes, I get that I chose to study abroad. Yes, I love it here and I would like to stay for another semester if I could. No, it's simply not easy being away from an established life at home for this long. Essentially, I now have three lives. My family and friends at home in Millbury, my friends and sorority sisters at home in Amherst, and my friends out here in Kent.
People tell you before you leave for somewhere how they'll do this or that. How they'll skype all the time and they can't wait to see your pictures. They do mean it. But what we all forget about is how I couldn't have anticipated being in four shows this term, and my friends couldn't have anticipated that their activities or classes would've made them so busy as well. So we lose a little bit of touch. Doesn't seem like the biggest deal, except that my friends and family back home didn't leave their life and start somewhere new. When you're establishing yourself in a new environment, you miss home, and because you're the one that left you're more likely to notice it a hell of a lot more than the people who are still in their normal every day routine where you just happen to be absent.
I'm not sure if I'm being confusing. My point is that I can't get upset with anyone for going about in their routine and not really keeping in touch. Even my own sister is wrapped up with her new job and moving in with her boyfriend and she's doing so great, I'm really happy for her, I just wish I didn't have to hear about it from my mom. It's hard to not feel like you're not really that missed. I hope no one takes this negatively, this isn't meant to bash, it's meant to reach out I suppose in a way would be a good way to put it. What I am saying, is that I would like people to know that with theater stress, schoolwork, and holidays coming up...
I'm having a really tough time. | | |
| Thanksgiving is coming. Without my mom. My friends are going to have to excuse me if I'm a total and complete mess while cooking a turkey for people who've never celebrated the holiday before. Sure, it'll be fun... but I miss my mommy.
I have five weeks from tomorrow until I leave.
This past week was dedicated to a paper, and if I don't get a good mark I may cry. Two days in the library and a bruised hand from note-taking should earn an A in itself.
Officially, I'm enrolled in classes for next term... only problem is one of them overlaps another by fifteen minutes and I need both of them to graduate on time. fml.
There's a man who is no longer in our lives due to betrayal. I wrote him a letter saying how disappointed I was in him and how I wasn't choosing to take his side. Of course he was angry, but I'm still so hurt. We're all hurt. Years of your life are dedicated to one person, and then just like that, *poof* gone. I'm an adult, I stand by what I said. On the off-chance if I ever bump into you, I'll probably cry because my disappointment will defeat my pride. But I still wear that bracelet you bought me, the one when we were all down the Cape and I told you I wanted a Cape Cod bracelet, and you bought me a Sailor's Knot because you thought that's what a Cape Cod bracelet was.
Does no one in the world know how to love someone?
We're all really fucked up.
I'm told I'm really good at telling stories. I'm told I'm good at making people laugh. But whenever anyone hears my stories and says they're jealous of my life, or something fairly close to that statement, I just laugh because it's easier than asking, "WHY??". | | |
| It's fall here. But fall is so different. Sure, trees are losing leaves and its getting colder; but there's no beautiful colors anywhere, just brown, and most of the trees don't lose anything, and it's rainy. It's a good fall, but not like fall back home.
I've been here about a week short of two months. I've already adopted some sayings such as, "I couldn't be bothered." We'll see how well that blows over with Mom when she asks me to clean my room ;-P
My future home needs a piano. I need a piano in front of me, stat. Listening to it being played makes me crave it. Heck, I'm not even that good, but maybe if I could play it all the time like I used to I'd stop being so bad at it. My sight reading is pretty much gone, and I can barely remember how to play anything. I have so many piano books at home it's not even funny.
Last night I went to bed after four. The lights were off and the computer was shut tight at 2am, but my brain wouldn't stop keeping me awake. So I gave in and messed around for another hour until my brain gave in as well. I don't know what it is, but my ideal day would be to go to bed around midnight and wake up around 9am and have a full day. Ugh, I feel so sluggish for so long after I wake up. I hate having this clock. I really hope that going home will make the time change work out to my advantage. It'll feel like 3am to me, but it'll be 10pm... yeah, sounds about right.
Insomnia is a bitch. It's the anxiety that I may miss something is I go to sleep, that keeps me awake. Having my own bedroom has its advantages, but a lot of the day I'm by myself... your own mind can drive you nuts.
Kinda makes me miss my house with dozens of girls. Someone's always awake to be your study buddy or to munch on pretzels with while you complain about classes and boys. Am I really almost done with college? | | |
| You ever wake up and realize you fell asleep with your contacts still in your eyeballs? It's really cloudy, and it feels like there are two globs of Elmer's School Glue in mid-drying stage on your irises. This feeling is also a good way to tell if you're over-tired. I've been feeling like this for days now, and at first it was worth it, but now I just want to tear my eyeballs out of my skull.
If there is anything I love going to see, it's a museum. Science museums are probably my favorite because I'm so curious about how things work and learning random facts about life. Then again, there's just nothing like a gorgeous Roman statue with her beautiful curves and perfectly chiseled narrow cheekbones, lined up with on either side of a straight and lovely nose, a pointed chin giving her an oval-like noble face, the subtle lips, a high brow connected to a tousled curly up-do tied back carelessly, and not to mention her eyes. The serious and wonderfully haunted eyes that make me wonder, "What could she be thinking that's gotten her so entranced?". It's fascinating. And so is a good lightning show, if you ever make it to the Boston Science Museum.
My roommate Laicia and I went to three museums in London on Friday, and while my back and feet were feeling it, I couldn't have been more pleased. We patted ourselves on the back for being so cultured, and for getting such a nice workout in for our buns. =)
Oh the theater, how I love thee so!! Could be the reason why I decided to pick you as a major, no? But really, it's so strange how it can make you feel something so horribly uncomfortable that you just want to run and hide, (The Dreadful Hours I saw last Monday) or how it makes you want to jump up, dance, sing, and shout for joy (The Lion King, London on Saturday). I couldn't have had a more perfect couple of days in the city, it was so good for bonding and shopping.
OF COURSE my awesome idea for Chilean miner on Halloween didn't work out due to the lack of a hard hat. I threw some stuff together literally in 20 minutes and came up with (drum roll please) .... dead hooker? Oh well, at least it was a fun night with my girlfriends at the club... and yes, I did end up slapping someone for calling me a slut, but in my opinion it probably wasn't because of my outfit seeing as that happens to me quite often with young obscene men at bars calling me things or ass grabbing either myself or a girlfriend. So yes, sometimes a whack is appropriate and they sober up enough to realize they were being completely out of line.
I couldn't have had a more perfect weekend with my friends, and I will never forget any of it. Thanks girls for making my Halloween just as fun as it would've been back home, so I didn't cry when I missed it.
I really hope that God grants me another time in my life (soon!!!) after this to be able to travel again. With three shows, it's very difficult to go anywhere outside of London or right around Canterbury. It's actually very upsetting because I had my hopes up that I would be able to go to Rome, Dublin, and Barcelona. But it doesn't look like any of that is going to happen at this point in time. Ugh.
Time and money. What a bitch. | | |
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